Kid problems

"I'll sure be glad when I get big and don't have to go to bed at 8 o'clock."

Probably every little kid in America says something like the above on a daily basis. "Bein' a kid" has its advantages but it also has plenty of drawbacks. Got to thinking about that common knowledge last Sunday when something happened for the first time in many, many years. While munching dinner salad, I bit my tongue. Had forgotten how much that hurts … and it's still hurting two days later. The painful experience made me remember biting my tongue or the inside cheek was all too common in growing up years. Seemed to happen all the time.

After mumbling a couple expletives the other evening, I asked Iris if she used to accidently bite her tongue and the side of her mouth when she was a kid. She said yes, and mentioned that she still does it once in awhile, but not nearly as often. Her confirmation of my own experiences made me wonder if our teeth get worn down a bit, or if our mouth gets bigger, or what changes this childhood problem. Perhaps we learn how to chew smarter. I'd ask a dentist, but they charge quite a lot… even for advice.

Another thing that bugged the heck out of me at a much younger age was hiccups. If memory serves correctly, all too often there were those blankety blank hiccups. Maybe the last time I had to endure hiccups very long was in 1954 at age 26. Remember it so well because they struck just when I had driven a cute redhead up above the city of Great Falls, to "show her the lights." The hiccups stopped about 15 minutes after I drove her home. Any of you males out there ever tried to "show the lights" to a girl who wouldn't stop giggling?

If I hadn't stopped getting hiccups, who knows? Maybe Iris would still be single, and my four children would be motherless.

Childhood also produces zits and pimples. Had 'em the worst during my freshman and sophomore years in high school. Although not yet blessed with dark whiskers, I discovered shaving seemed to help, if only in my own mind, then could hit the blemishes with a styptic pencil and pretend the razor had nicked me a lot. One time an unkind girl asked why I shaved when I didn't seem to have a beard, so I told her I had a new kind of razor that shaved way below the skin.

Another thing that each person outgrows to some extent… is basic ignorance. At the age of 11 or 12, I had a pint whiskey bottle that was found in the dump and used for a canteen. Kept it in a small cloth sack tied to my belt. One day while hiking in the hills, met up with some eastern city girls from a nearby dude ranch. As a way of making a big impression, bet them I could take the lid off my "canteen" and turn it upside down without the water coming out. Had practiced this trick before, so it was a "sucker bet." The idea of course, was to leave the bottle in the sack and whirl it around fast enough for centrifical force to keep the water in there.

When I regained consciousness, the girls were delighted. Apparently they had never before seen a young man hit himself on the head with a whiskey bottle full of water.

Another worrisome thing about being a kid are common items in a bedroom that turn into monsters at night. A coat hanging on the wall becomes a grizzly bear when touched by faint moonlight coming in through the window. Spent many a spooky hour waiting for a pile of mountain lion shaped stuff on the dresser to spring on the bed and rip me to shreds.

Now that I'm grown up with my own home there is a handy light switch next to the bed to check out scary things. Don't use it as often as I'd like because Iris wakes up and asks something silly like, "George! What are you doing?"

G. George Ostrom is the news director of KOFI radio and a Hungry Horse News columnist.