About those North Dakotans

By GEORGE OSTROM

Having fun with the folks from North Dakota is a popular Montana pastime, and I have eagerly done that for more than 50 years; however, about 25 years ago in my newspaper, The Kalispell News, I wrote honest feelings about the folks from that neighboring state. It was reprinted in all the North Dakota newspapers… both of them (just kidding). The result was a wonderful surprise; I was given a free trip to address the North Dakota State Newspaper convention banquet in Minot. They treated me like royalty. Following is what I wrote:

“There is no one in whole big wide world who enjoys a good ‘North Dakota’ joke more than this editor, in fact, I probably have passed on a hundred or so of those uproarious little gems. You know the kind: ‘Didja hear about the North Dakota coyote? He chewed off three of his legs before he figured out which one was in the trap.’ Hardee har har!

“‘Didja hear about ‘em having to close the North Dakota University Library? Somebody stole the book.’ Ha ha ha!

There’s a million of ‘em and I hope the supply never diminishes. Unlike the Polish jokes, the North Dakota jokes are not ethnic. Without regard to their race, color, sex or religion, we Montanans brand everyone in that wind-blown, frigid state.

I don’t know about others, but I’ve decided that the subconscious reason I enjoy those jokes so much is because they are so basically ridiculous. I suspect that pound for pound, there may not be any people on earth who are more self-reliant, hard-working and imaginative than the North Dakotans.

“When my brother was building Bell Manufacturing from a losing proposition to a big operation, he hired an ex North Dakota farmer as sort of night watchman and clean-up man. Within a month that poor dumb guy was figuring out ways to do things better, cheaper and faster. Within three years he was production foreman, earning more money than most bank officers.

“After brother’s fleet of trucks got so big he needed his own shop, he secretly searched the town for the ‘best mechanic’ in Kalispell. The guy turned out to be from North Dakota.

“Later after I went out to work at Bell, we decided to ‘steal the best salesman we knew’ to run the big RV operation we were building in Spokane. We eventually chose the Northwest U.S. representative for U.S. Plywood. The first day on the job, for only $800 he sold me a worn-out mule harness from his dad’s North Dakota farm.

“When our RV Village at Spokane was finally ready for a Grand Opening, I went to the leading TV station there and asked for their top production man to work with me on some advertising. The station manager said I’d have to wait a couple of days because their best man was visiting his folks in… you guessed it, North Dakota.

“I’ve run into this phenomenon from New York to Los Angeles… and even overseas when I was in the army, but it was all brought home when I read this week’s issue of Time magazine. Look who’s on the cover! The most powerful and influential military man in the world, United States Armed Forces Joint Chief of Staff.

“He is a dropout from some North Dakota college. Just think of what he might have accomplished if he had gone to their State University… before somebody stole the book.

I am now working on a plan to cease all federal aid to North Dakota. This is not some frizzy idea born of madness. It is a matter of vital importance. If we can keep North Dakota as a place where only the tough, inventive, and self-reliant can survive on their own… we can continue to have a pool of people who can and will get off their fannies and do the best job they possibly can with what they have.

You can never have too many people who know how to survive by growing wheat in a rock pile, growing alfalfa in poor soil with no water, have to walk two hours to get far enough out of sight so they can neck… and still take a joke.”