Eight ways to avoid death row

By G. George Ostrom

Some of you may wonder why dozens of convicts in the Montana Men’s Prison and a few in the Women’s Prison committed crimes so terrible they defy comprehension … yet they didn’t qualify for the ultimate penalty.

The following info was developed by my reading the State Code- Part 3, 43-18-304, as revised by liberal legal scholars in the mid-70’s.

You might want to clip and mail this to your favorite weep-easy legislators:

There are currently eight (8) “aggravating circumstances” which can call for the death penalty, and if the murder doesn’t fit in one of those classifications, you’re loose from the noose. For you people who are fed up with your ornery neighbor or someone else, I’ll list the eight no-nos. (For further clarification I have put my personal explanation of these codes and additional valuable advice after each one.)

To avoid getting the death penalty, YOU:

(1) MUST NOT kill somebody while you’re in the state prison. (The over crowded state pen has regular cleaning schedules, and making a big bloody mess really louses things up.)

(2) MUST NOT kill somebody if you’ve done it before. (This sort of thing is obviously taken quite seriously. If you’re going to murder someone, the law feels you should be sure to get the right person the first time.)

(3) MUST NOT kill someone by using torture. (This idea goes back to the ancient sportsman’s credo of making a quick, sure kill. There are exceptions represented by ample examples of someone shooting their victim several times before hitting a vital area, or using a knife and then patiently waiting for the victim to bleed to death, or choking them for awhile then finishing the job with a rock. These slow, crude methods apparently aren’t construed to be torture by most courts because they were unintentional byproducts of the major project and not necessarily done as the result of a mean streak.)

(4) MUST NOT kill somebody by “lying in wait or ambush.” (Absolutely! That’s downright dishonest and dirty. If you are going to bump off someone, remember, your victim and the general public appreciate people who are not sneaky. The thoughtfulness behind this law should give most of us a deep feeling of awe for the caring minds who wrote it.

(5) MUST NOT deliberately kill someone “as a part of a scheme or operation which, if completed, would result in the death of more than one person.” (Here we get back to the old bag limit ethic. Knocking off one person is understandable, but two or more? Even our state justice system frowns on greed. Please, folks! One at a time.)

(6) MUST NOT kill someone deliberately if that person is a peace officer performing his duty. (This law was basically written so that other law officers would not have to be unexpectedly called as replacements while they are fishing or relaxing at home. There also seemed to be an attitude around the University Law School, when the codes were rewritten, that allowing the standard light punishments for shooting peace officer could eventually establish an awkward precedent… especially during working hours. The State Legislature wisely concurred.)

(7) MUST NOT kill someone you have kidnapped under aggravated circumstances or anyone who tries a rescue. (You should at least attempt to be civil to anyone you forcefully kidnap, and difficult though it may be, try to be understanding toward a friend or relative who tries to set them free. Perhaps the legal scholars felt the golden rule might be applied here to keep you out of serious trouble.)

(8) MUST NOT even “attempt” to kill, or commit aggravated assault, or kidnapping, while in the state prison, if you have previously been convicted of murder, or been a persistent felony offender receiving one or more sentences of not less than two years. (This is the shortened version of the final way to get the death penalty, and you have to be an experienced and highly trained criminal to have it applied. Because I have intended this lesson on avoiding the death penalty for beginners, I see no reason to explain further. If you do get sent to the pen, there are hundreds of helpful people there who will gladly give you more knowledge on this once you have become one of the gang.)

One final note: Should you decide to use this information for anti-social purposes, you should first read further in to the State Code, Part 3, 43-18-304, Mitigating Circumstances. There are several local attorneys who are blessed with a limited sense of justice and an unlimited imagination, who, for a fee, will explain that section to you.

I’d do it, but I’ve run out of space.