Adventures in 'Pig Alley'
By G. George Ostrom
Once upon a time there was a sanctuary of sin located deep within the heart of the world famed “City of Lights.” That naughty night time social center was called Pigalle, but the American G.I.s who sought adventure there called it “Pig Alley.” It came to pass that a young, innocent, and na•ve American soldier from the hills of Montana found himself in a big nightclub there during a three-day pass to Paris.
After a fine dinner and floor show with liquid refreshments, I went to the men’s room. Upon turning away from the porcelain target and adjusting my trousers, I bumped into a young woman who had silently, been standing behind me. She was holding a small towel draped between her wrists with a bar of soap resting there-upon. That was the first time I’d ever had a woman sneak up on me in the men’s room. Stuff like that just don’t happen here in the Flathead. Needless to say, I went into severe “modesty shock.”
This embarrassing memory from my distant past was brought to mind for this week’s column because of a somewhat surprising bit of news coming from the state of New Mexico. Should a man go into the rest room at the Turtle Mountain Brewing Company’s bar and restaurant at Rio Rancho, or into any of hundreds of other New Mexico watering holes, he is in for a big surprise… I mean a REALLY BIG surprise.
The State government recently paid twenty one dollars apiece for “talking urinal-deodorizer cakes.” Five hundred (500) of these insidious but ingenious instruments have been put in urinals across the state. “When a man steps up, the motion-sensitive plastic device says, in a woman’s flirty but stern voice; ‘Hey, big guy. Having a few drinks? Then it’s time to cal a cab or call a sober friend for a ride home.’ Remember, YOUR FUTURE IS IN YOUR HAND.”
Ben Miller, one of the first men to have the urinal’s sexy female voice speak to him says, “It startled me…but it sure got my attention.”
WELL! I WOULD THINK SO!
Though it is a very new program, three of the talking deodorizer cakes have already been stolen from Turtle Mountain. Apparently some of the guys would rather be lectured by a plastic device than by their wife.
This talking urinal program is the latest desperate move by New Mexico authorities to try and reduce the drunk driving related accident in their state. Even if it works, I sure hope they don’t move the plan up here to Montana.
I don’t know about other men, but if a sultry woman’s voice suddenly started [preaching to me from a urinal, I might not be able to go potty again for six months.
In an unrelated but equally wild matter, a woman in Gig Harbor, Washington, is trying to get her dog groomer put in jail. Anni Sherriffius took her a little shi tzu doggy for her a haircut. Later as she was giving her pet a bath, she discovered the unlicensed groomer had cut off “Jasmine’s” ear and covered up the accident by gluing the ear back on with super glue.
Anni immediately took Jasmine to a veterinarian to have the ear surgically attached. (Dr. Otto, a Kalispell vet told me if the ear was completely severed, it would not likely be a successful attachment because the tiny blood vessels have to be aligned.)
A special kind of Super Glue is commonly and successfully used in both human and animal surgery, but not for little thin tissued doggy ears.
Got another “She was” for my collection this week. “She was the printers beautiful daughter, but she wasn’t my type.”
The last one I found before this was over a year ago. Remember? “She was the welder’s chubby daughter, but she had acetylene sisters.”
It’s probably time for George’s nap.