Twenty four reasons for absolutely nothing

This Sunday, I turn 24.

I know, it's hard for me to believe too.

It seems like just the other day I was 18 and backing into my dad's car in the driveway, drinking cups of movie popcorn butter for money and setting off smoke bombs in my garage just to see what would happen.

Now, I'm 23 and so much older and more mature.

I spend almost all my time trying to avoid traffic accidents, figuring out how to make a macaroni and cheese pizza and making an absolute mess of my apartment.

In the spirit of staying young at heart, I'm going to list 24 things that have no relation to one another, aside from the fact that they're all on this list and are bound to get a few puzzled looks.

1. Pizza might be the greatest food in the history of time. Especially five cheese pizzas with feta cheese sprinkled on top.

2. After living in West Virginia, Kentucky, South Carolina, Tennessee and Florida among other places, I'm surprised I still have teeth and wear shoes.

3. You know you're getting old when you trade in your neon green Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wallet for a monogrammed money clip.

4. Hanging from a tree in the front of this office is a bird feeder. Nothing special, unless you look closely and realize it's tied to the tree with an ethernet cable.

5. Talking animals and babies in television commercials needs to stop. Now. It's even more annoying than cutting yourself shaving or overhearing obnoxious cellphone conversations in public.

6. Montana summers are amazing, but I've heard things about the winters. I've heard bad things.

7. My driver's license photo makes me look like I weigh roughly 252,346 pounds.

8. Is it OK that I still watch cartoons more than I watch the news and know infinitely more about baseball than politics?

9. I don't own a watch but get angry at other people when they're late.

That's hypocrisy in action, folks.

10. Why didn't anyone ever tell me that shopping for groceries was so expensive and painful?

11. For some reason, peeling a banana is one of the hardest things for me to do.

It's kind of like watching a monkey trying to type on a computer, only worse.

12. Last summer, I got into a stapler fight in my office. It's not highly recommended. It leaves scars.

13. Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you had an elephant trunk instead of your nose? Think about it.

14. I've cut my own hair since I was in high school, and it shows.

15. College lacrosse might be the best sport ever, followed closely by college football and Major League Baseball.

16. Karaoke gives a lot of misguided hope to a lot of bad singers, myself included.

17. What would you say if I told you I've worn the same pair of pants to work every day for the past two weeks?

18. Fly fishing is one of those rare sports that completely mystifies me, and by mystifies, I mean it makes me want to inhale underwater.

19. I thought recently about buying a gun and getting into mountain climbing. Then I remembered the concussion, the broken ribs, the four broken noses and my endless ability to hurt myself no matter what I'm doing.

20. I've slept on my couch since last November, meaning my bed is not much more than a place for me to toss dirty clothes or put my empty pizza boxes.

21. Getting a dog seems like a good idea until I remember that I can barely take care of myself and would probably do more harm than good to an animal.

22. I've yet to see a grizzly this summer, but I almost hit a moose with my car last week. That just furthers my notion that I'm a menace behind the wheel.

23. Mom, Dad, thank you for never letting me grow a rat tail.

24. It's amazing to see how much your life can change in a year and how much hair you've lost since your last birthday.

John Van Vleet is a reporter for the Hungry Horse News.