Selling 'Mindless Drivel'

The fun of writing columns and books, speaking at conventions and shooting the bull on the radio, has a downside. Many people communicate by fax, phone, letter, or e-mail and I just love that; BUT then! they want me to reply. Don't like that. Selfish? Pig Headed? Lazy? Yes, most of the time.

Got an e-mail recently that I really enjoyed reading and answering. Here are the communications:

Subject: Book Blurb

Dear Mr. Ostrom,

First and foremost, I like to say that you are a great writer/photographer. Your love for Glacier is apparent to all with "Over the Hill" and wildlife books. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I'm hoping you will lie and do the same for me.

Glacier National Park has inspired me as well. Admittedly, I'm not a good writer, and most of my essays are dismissed as mindless drivel. However, I did find a publisher willing to print mindless drivel.

"Seasonal Disorder," to be published by Johnson Books is a humorous look at the life of a seasonal ranger in Glacier National Park, where I have lived and worked for the last 19 seasons. I'd like to think of myself as a "Pat McManus visits Glacier" type book. There are no deep thoughts in "Seasonal Disorder" due to the fact that after all these years with the Park Service, I am no longer capable of profound thought.

Regarding book blurbs on the back cover, I have Rick Bass, Doug Chadwick and Doug Peacock willing to sully their very good names. I was hoping you wouldn't mind besmirching your good name as well.

So here is my request: Is it okay to send a proof copy to you for a blurb? I think it would add a touch of class to an otherwise unremarkable book. It is scheduled to come out in Big Earth's spring catalogue, so you'd have plenty of time to work your magic and put a positive spin in things.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Pat Hagan, East Glacier…

From: George Ostrom

Dear Mr. "Pat" Hagan,

Am always pleased to hear from a man willing to share an obvious talent for flattery garnished with high quality B.S.

At first mention of "mindless drivel," I thought your book was about politics. Further reading let me realize you are above that. Deeply respect your admitted penchant for avoiding "profound thought." As a 10-year veteran of the U.S. Army and Forest Service, I know there is no better way to sneak around problems while working for the Federal Government.

Learning you have talked Rick Bass, Doug Chadwick, and Doug Peacock into blurbing on your behalf erases any reservations about your ability to manipulate people like me, who do not find modesty to be a great burden.

Re your mention of Pat McManus. I know that man and rather liked him until he and others were at my house the only evening I was ever on a national broadcast. Pat said right out loud, "One has to wonder why CBS has backed up George's appearance, with an ad for Preparation-H?"

In case you haven't heard, retired "Super Ranger" Charlie Logan is recovering from his motorcycle crash following what he says, "…was an astonishing amount of whining and sniveling." It's comforting to note, none of us are without a small flaw or two.

I'd be honored to do you a blurb.

George Ostrom