The worst waitress in the history of time

"So what do you guys want?" this overly tanned and sporadically tattooed waitress asked bluntly.

No introduction, no "Hi, I'm dumb and I'll be your server."

Nothing.

My family and I, who were at this Italian place for my sister's birthday, were taken aback.

All the other servers in the place brought drinks promptly, smiled and actually made the dining experience enjoyable for their tables.

They were, in a word, good.

Our waitress, after she took the orders, was gone. I didn't see her running food, wiping down tables or bringing us bread. She had disappeared.

We were munching on our appetizer when our waitress, and I hesitate to call her that, came back.

"So are you guys ready for some dessert?" she asked.

No one had even gotten their food.

She laughed maniacally and then walked away.

I turned to my family and said, "I think she's going to bring us the check."

Sure enough, within minutes, she was back with a check - another table's check.

"Excuse me," I said to her, "but we didn't even get our entrees."

"Oh, you guys are the wrong table," she said, playfully hitting my mom on the back. "I'll bring yours in a minute."

At that point, I longed to see her "accidentally" fall down some stairs or get fired. Either one.

We finally ate, we paid and then we left, absolutely dumbfounded that a waitress could actually be that bad.

I used to wait tables, I know bad when I see it.

A few nights ago, I had friend come into town to visit and we went to this same place to eat.

We sat down, and I saw Lazy McHorriblewaitress standing in the kitchen eating. I stared at her with hatred in my eyes and then got that sinking feeling in my chest, the one where I knew she would end up being our server.

Oh, and she was. Well, sort of.

We sat at our table for ten minutes before she wandered over, munching on something she just took out of the kitchen.

"You guys want something to drink?" she said.

We ordered drinks, and then waited… and waited… and waited to order food.

I watched as this woman went over to the hostess stand, sat on the stairwell and then talked on the phone. Then I watched her go grab more food from the kitchen and hide in the corner, eating it like a kid sneaking in a cookie before dinner.

We waited so long and got so annoyed that another waitress looked concerned, came over and asked, "are you guys being helped?"

I said no. No, we're not.

This other girl took our orders and ended up taking care of us.

And what did Terrible McTanningbed do the rest of the evening?

She ate about five pounds of garlic bread and did absolutely no work. None.

My point is this - you should avoid this waitress at all costs, because she will make you want to burn the place down and never eat out again.

What was her name, you might ask? No idea, she never gave it to me.

What restaurant was it? Well, I don't want to badmouth anyone, but it rhymes with Mambo Italiano.

Sure, the food is fantastic, just watch out for the tanned "waitress" standing in the corner avoiding work.

She'll ruin everything. Trust me.

John VanVleet is a hungry writer looking for the dish for the Hungry Horse News.