The perfect gift

I got the perfect gift for Christmas and I recommend you put it on your "must buy" Christmas shopping list for next year.

It's a 20-inch-long wooden back-scratcher. My wife Glenda handed it to me when I sat down in my easy chair in front of the TV a few days before Christmas.

I told her I liked it and began trying it out. It worked perfectly. I was able to reach all parts of my body and was soon at work scratching itches I didn't even know I had.

I looked at the tag. It only cost $1.49 and I was slightly surprised to see that my back-scratcher came with directions (To use: Grasp handle and gently scratch back or other areas) and a warning (Do not use on irritated, damaged or broken skin. If irritation develops, discontinue use immediately).

It was while scratching the back of my head that I found I could use it to comb my hair. I experimented with some new hairstyles. I didn't have a mirror, so I asked Glenda for feedback, which she enthusiastically obliged.

I then used my gift to effortlessly rearrange the top of the end table between my wife's easy chair and mine. I found I could effortlessly move a clock, an empty soda can, a letter, pencil and the remote control without even extending my arm.

I then found the back-scratcher to be more useful than I ever imagined. I fiddled with the volume and channels on the TV by using my new tool to operate the remote. I used it to silently and slowly slide the empty pop can off the table and into the wastebasket below, and with a flick of my wrist, I was able to golf the pencil off the table, across the room and onto the kitchen floor.

That's about when "Law and Order" came on TV and I used my back-scratcher much like a conductor would when leading an orchestra. That quickly changed when a commercial appeared and I became a drummer tapping my stick from one armchair to the next. I then pretended I was a drum major leading a parade.

I discovered even more uses for my gift. The dog liked it when I scratched his back as he lay on the floor. He rolled over and I went to work on his belly. After taking off my shoes, I used the back-scratcher to remove my socks. I then scratched my feet and began to pick between my toes.

"You know," I told Glenda, "this thing could come in handy at dinner. We could use it to stir soup or toss a salad," I said, proudly holding her gift up in the air.

And to think that I came up with all these uses for my back-scratcher after only having it 30 minutes.

Russ Miller is a reporter for the Bigfork Eagle.